The Struggle

There is nothing like the struggle.  The struggle of feeling “crazy,” “insane,” and totally and completely mentally unstable.

I usually write about how I’ve recovered and how wonderful things are now that I feel great.  But I think it’s important to me and my readers that you know that I still struggle sometimes.  I’m still a human. This is a big step for me to actually talk about some of my struggles – especially on the internet.  I have a habit of wanting to appear stable so that outsiders don’t think I’m just trying to get attention.  I’m not sure where this thought or feeling has come from, but I’ve always felt this way.  But having shitty moments and struggles is part of a mental illness, and part of being a human being.

Lately I’ve been struggling with medications.  I’ve been switching up my anti-depressants, the reason being I’m not fond of some of the side effects.  There comes a point that the side effects are way worse than the emotional benefits.  So far, this is my third medication in a few months.  It is completely frustrating and 100% aggravating. 

So far I’ve given Zoloft and Celexa a shot, but the side effects have been way too intense for me to continue.  I’m now trying Cipralex, which is basically the same thing as Celexa, but different packaging.  I jumped when I heard the positive feedback of Cipralex (way less side effects than any other anti-depressant), but my excitement was put on hold when I found out it wasn’t covered through my drug plan.  I decided to try it anyway and have been on it for 2 weeks.  It has been working amazingly for my anxiety, but again, the side effects are awful.  I’m not experiencing any side effects like I have had before, but I’m having chest pains and trouble breathing.  Definitely not something I can live with. 

SO, on goes the journey of medication shopping.  I’d love to not gain weight, continue my great libido (yes, I said it), rid of my chest pains, feel energetic, get a normal amount of sleep…etc etc….but the reality is, I will have to live with some of these things if I want to feel emotionally stable.  It’s a reality most of us have or will have to accept when it comes to most medications.

The journey keeps going, but the best I can do is keep my hope and keep pushing on.  With love and humor, I will get through this.  We will all get through this.