I sit here on my living room couch. My fiance is outside planting potatoes and doing yard work. The day is beautiful - the sun is shining and it finally isn't calling for rain.
I woke up this morning on the depression side of the bed. I went to the bathroom mirror and told myself today was going to be a good day. I immediately washed my face and put on makeup. I had eggs and hash browns for breakfast. I treated myself to a piece of chocolate. And even through all of these wake-up steps where I was trying to make myself happy, I still am struggling today. That is part of mental illness - the chemical imbalance.
It's hard to remind myself that it's not my fault. Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I fake it? Why can't I convince myself to be happy? What am I doing wrong?
I struggle a lot with being okay not being okay. It's a bright sunny day and while my fiance is outside enjoying the sun on a day off work, I'm inside not wanting to move much. I went outside for a bit and tried to convince myself to pull some weeds or water the plants - things I really do enjoy doing and things that need to be done. But the motivation just wasn't there.
Why can't I just do it anyway? I feel a large sense of guilt.
As humans with mental illness, and physical illness as well, we feel that immense guilt when we can't even try to achieve normal daily activities. On the toughest days, we are already feeling awful, and then we feel even more awful on top of that because we can't do everything we would regularly doing.
Some days we need to just be okay with not being okay. Give ourselves a break.
I sit here trying to remind myself that. Today I am not okay. But I need to give myself a break and just be. Just sit and breathe and be okay with doing nothing today.