It's 4 a.m.

It’s 4 a.m. and I’m still awake.

I have written and erased this blog post 4 times.  I’ve been torn lately between writing about personal vulnerable experiences or about other non-me related type things.

I guess I’ll cut the bullshit.  I’m struggling.  If you read over my blog posts from the last year or so it’s easy to see.  The stress that has happened since moving has put my physical and mental health in an exhausting position.

The stress has forced my progesterone and estrogen to sink to next to nothing and I’m in adrenal failure.  I’m 28 and am going through menopausal symptoms every day.  The truth is I’m on so many supplements I have to write them down so I can keep track of what to take at each time of the day.  I’m embarrassed and sad and frustrated.  As of right now I can’t have children.  My hormone levels are too low. 

I’m cutting out a mood medication that has no benefit to me anymore (yes, weening with supervision of a doctor).  It’s also a sedative so it’s been a real….well, bitch, to go off of.  I haven’t been able to sleep before 3-5am for a month now and it’s really catching up to me.  Going off a medication also brings withdrawal symptoms – sweating, nausea, shakes, fever.  Add in menopausal type symptoms - hot flashes, UTI's, muscle pain, bloating, headaches - I'm a real hot mess!

My average day:

(after finally being able to sleep at 4am)

  • Wake up at 9am.  Physically can’t move.
  • Wake up at 10am.  Drag myself out of bed.
  • Medication.
  • FORCE myself to shower.
  • FORCE myself to eat something.
  • Medication.
  • Shiver, sweat, nauseous
  • MAKE myself do something in order to stay somewhat sane
  • Possibly cry a little or a lot.
  • Medication
  • Shiver, sweat, nauseous
  • Eat
  • Medication
  • Go to bed
  • Finally fall asleep at 4am(Along with my hormones and mood meds and supplements, I take melatonin, GABA, and a type of magnesium I can’t even pronounce that are supposed to help me fall asleep.  I don’t even know why I take them anymore because they don’t help.  It’s possible I secretly hope one night they will just knock me out)

These are my days.  

My poor husband.  I’m moody because I can’t sleep, I’m changing up a medication, AND I’m going through hormone therapy.  What a great situation right after you get married lol. HEY HONEY! You HAVE to love me now! Haha.

I have THE most amazing friends here and in my home city that I have confided in a little, but I haven’t told many people how horrible I am actually feeling.  I feel guilty and I don’t want anyone to think I want attention.  I’m extremely good at hiding the fact that I think I’m actually dying of exhaustion and frustration.

So, here I write it on the internet for people to see lol.  I don’t know why, it just seems easier for me to write than talk.  I feel it’s also maybe necessary for me to put it out there for whoever reads my blogs to know that mental illness recovery is a process, not an end.  I have had plenty of ups and downs since I was officially diagnosed 7 years ago.  Recovery for me means that I know where I am and I know where I need to be, and I will continue to work and never let go of hope until I reach where I need to be.

Yes, I have screamed into a LOT of pillows lately and cried more times than I can count.  I have lashed out and I have had little patience for almost everything.  But I also do things lately that 8 years ago I wouldn’t have done.  Like make myself eat and get out of bed and shower at normal times.  I know myself enough that if I don’t do those things, I will not get out of bed, shower, or eat at all.  It’s the little things that are big accomplishments to me.  This process won’t be an easy one for me and won’t end right away.  It could take a few years. Who knows.  But hope and the little are things are what I hang on to.

So next time you’re in a funk or a depression or a frustrating time, I encourage you to think of the little things.  Start small.  Because little do you know, those are the things that matter.